hey, whadya know?

You're Alaska!

You're big, bulky, and extremely wild. At the same time, you're rather
cold and standoffish, even a loner of sorts. Taming you may be one of the last great
quests of the people who do manage to find you or even seek you out. So many of them
just want to plunder you for what you have of value, but there are a few, the ones
who will stick with you, that truly value your rugged remoteness. As long as no one
is spilling stuff on you, you are truly beautiful.


Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

busy busy busy

I'm walking around the Mission with A when he tells me about his Brilliant Idea. This Brilliant Idea gets tacked onto the hundredmileslong list of other Brilliant Ideas I have in my head. My temples start to pound. We go home. I feel overwhelmed. Too much energy and resources going out on unpredictable returns. New job after a stint of underemployment, means limited funding for materials. I vent. I chainsmoke. I'm stressed. I'm over it. Thirty minutes and three cigarettes later, I'm as good as new, except now I don't want to talk to anybody; I just want to sit in a quiet room with an open window and an ashtray, pen and paper. I'm currently having to settle for a noisy leather apparel company where I hear my name being called a lot and something that sounds like my name being said while the Chinese factory foreman talks with his cutters even more. I swear my name is the Chinese version of "like". Like, I hear my name, like, all damn day long. I need a new name.

Uh, where was I?

So I'm got a lot of projects going on. What am I working on right now? First of all, I'm designing and building three fetish outfits for a competition. If I get chosen as a finalist, the three outfits will need to be finished by July 30th. I keep designing and redesigning. Fetish is not my area of expertise, but hey, I'm always up for a challenge. Versatility is my name. So, doodledoodledoodle. This is not fetish enough. This one looks too "hard". How the hell am I going to construct that within the timeframe? You can sleep when you're dead. Can I cut such intricate pieces? Practice practice practice. Can I get that to hang right? Nope. Damn gravity.

August will bring custom costume projects for some people going to Burning Man. Coats and fur jumpsuits and wearable tables, oh my! (Yes, I have a client who wants to afix a small table to the back of a bodice. Um, no job too big, too small, too random?) After that, it'll be time for my 3-month review at my day job. My day job is very important to me and I want to do well. After that, website construction. During website construction, I hope to do some stuff to my house. Ten months in the Bay Area and my stuff's still in boxes. That'll teach me to give all my furniture to my dad before moving. And Shirley, my car, needs a new timing belt and rear tires. Why do you care about Shirley? You don't expect me to go to fabulous events in my fabulous outfits on a bus, do you? Tsk, tsk, child, how little you know.

Of course, my life is gonna make chaos look organized for the next few months. And you know what that means. It means it's time for an Excel spreadsheet. Oh, yes. God bless the anal retentive geek that invented Excel. Let us refer to him as the Excel God. "Go forth and filter."

i've been tagged

sigh. i'm so not a music person. i mean, i love it, and i know what i like, but i don't know the hip new bands, i don't go see a lot of shows, i don't remember titles and names. interestingly enough, i've dated a lot of music people who've turned me on to some great stuff. not that i remember who or what they are...fuck...

1. Total number of records I own on CD (or vinyl or cassette):

around 100. a sad, sad number, considering i bought my first CD at the tender age of 11.

2. Total volume of music files on my computer:

none. i listen to internet radio sometimes. i have all the stuff i need to do it, thanks to A, (don't y'all just love my tech-speak?) but i don't have anything. none. pass the vapors, i think half my readers just passed out.

3. The last record I bought:

damn, it's been a long time. 2 birthdays ago, my dear sweet little sister bought me ludacris's then latest. chicken and beer? but, she was underage and ended up buying me the clean copy. i own a clean copy of a luda album! how fucking hilarious. other than that, i don't remember. people randomly burn me stuff sometimes. i think sometime last year i had to rebuy a jimi hendrix album that got lost cuz i loved it so much.

4. The last record listened to / song playing now:

some korean stuff. lines like "it's not simply a question of getting high" and "i got a pocket full of c-notes and food stamps" crack me up.

5. Five records that I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me (either singles or albums):

elliot smith's behind the bars--reminds me of some stuff i won't get into right now.

black eyed peas' elephunk--it was, for reasons i need not discuss, was the soundtrack of the summer of 2004. not a pretty summer. everytime i hear a blip of it now, all these weird thoughts and feelings start swimming around in my head, some good, some bad.

jacqueline du pre--she's this amazing classical cellist. blows my mind.

korean pop. takes me back to fun times. and i always try to keep in touch with korean culture.

maria callas, select arias. cuz she's a god. period.

6. Tag five people to do this meme...

A
Sally
W (c'mon--a guy who sings streisand's "a woman in love" at karaoke? gotta do this, man.)
my sister Chris (who doesn't read this blog so i'll have to email her)
Erika

nomadic hermit

it's funny how your perception of what's going on in your life can change so swiftly, in a matter of mere days. sunday, i was feeling content; the edges of the fabric of my mind had begun to fray, but almost unnoticably to the naked eye. today, i am feeling...how do i say this without coming off whiny and insipid?...unloved, perhaps is the right word.

do not be so quick to reassure me that you're sure there are plenty of people out there who love me. i'm also sure that there are. but undeniably, every single one of us goes through that period, whether it be a fleeting uncertainty or entrenched belief for years on end, when you are doubtful of people and their love, intentions, words. when it's not a major crisis sparking the natural negative reaction, but a series of actions almost imperceptible to anyone outside your own mind. when you can't really put your finger on the base emotion word. (we are, by nature, constantly trying to name, categorize, identify things, aren't we?) when you're feeling like you're being taken for granted, not what you do but who you are, but not really being taken for granted. when you feel small, insignificant, but again, not really.

i am in such a phase now.

i have been using the moniker "nomadic hermit" for several years now, and i've encountered a person or 4 who have asked me why it is so. but z, you're a social butterfly. you love human interaction, even the most mundane. and you haven't really traveled to a lot of places either. what's with the name?

i go through these phases in my life when i want to be left alone. every year, i go through this phase. sometimes it lasts as little as week; it's been known to last 6 months. the sheer act of opening my mouth is loathesome and i want people to read my mind at work. i want to do all the normal things i do, but by myself. i don't want to go to parties. i will go to the occasional social event but i will not talk much. i'm hitting this phase again soon; i can feel it.

A once asked me what would happen if i hit this phase with him. would i not call or email or meet him either? i told him that i didn't know, since he's the first guy i've been with that really mattered to me. but i live with him now. i wonder what will happen.

to make a long story short, if you don't hear from me, i am not dead. don't worry, you'll hear from me soon enough.

i'll explain the "nomadic" part at a later time. this post is long enough.

life is good

i have a boy that's crazy about me.
i have a job that i like.
i have a job that's opened up some real possibilities for me in the future.
i have been making a lot of progress in the family divorce front.
i have amazing friends.
i have a nutty crazy social life, in the best way possible.
i have a steady income that works with my current needs.
i have not-so-bad health.
i have all my body parts.
i have cigarettes.
i have internet access.
i have sex.
i have siblings i adore, who are no longer my children.
i have a working cell phone.
i have food and water.
i have a dependable car.
i have a comfortable bed.
i have been noticing that my insomnia is dying.
i have fun projects to work on.
i have fun out-of-town weekends in the near future.
i have a home, not just a house, but a home.
i have a tendency to forget stuff when making lists so i'm sure i have more stuff than this.

anniversary

two days ago, on thursday, A and i celebrated our first anniversary!

i can't believe it's already been a year. it's been a great year. he's been the most amazing SO anyone could ask for. he's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? oh, come on, it'll be fun! i know you wanna...no? fine. go read someone else's less loveydovey blog. yeah. you. go. didn't like you anyway.

for the rest of y'all that are still reading:

i met A the first weekend of march. he says he had a crush on me then. i had a mild interest, but my attentions were focused elsewhere. we hook up april 28, 2004. cool! i have a great boy to boink in sf! yay! i heart sex. at that point, i was dating a dude in l.a., fritzing about with A and had a boy in san diego who was trying to get in my pants. a friend said "princess has a sexminion in every port..." uh huh. whatevs.

fast forward to june. A's first trip down to l.a. to visit me. i start hyperventilating. i think i really like this guy! ack! then late june, i have a mental and emotional breakdown in front of A cuz of some stuff happening at home. i tell him we can end things right there and then and i seriously wouldn't blame him. he doesn't budge. what an idiot.

july. he says he's in love with me. what just happened here?

august. things are going to hell in a handbasket on a tortoise wearing a pink ribbon down in l.a. so me and Shirley (my car) move to sf. divorce the family.

bingkabingka october. 6 month anniversary, also 2 months of living with A. why significant? cuz i told him i was sure we'd break up within 2 months of living together. i mean, who moves in together after 4 months of a long distance relationship? he didn't even know my last name until i started getting mail at the zoloft.

bingkabingkabingkabingkabingka now. and here we is. whoa. and i still get a goofy grin on my face when he walks in the door after work. i still get dizzy when he kisses me. i still feel my heart playing hopscotch when he tells me he loves me.

for your reading enjoyment...

if you're on tribe, go read Mojave 66's blog. do it. now.

the hunt is over!

i got a job. and i heart it. i've been babbling too much about it the past week and i'm tired to talking and writing about it, but here are the basics. (sorry for the vague blips.)

-i heart my coworkers.
-i can wear flipflops to work, even though it's an office gig. (i'm a "project manager". um...yeah.)
-i've been training all week and i'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.
-i take the bus.
-it's in tourist central of sf so everyday i step out for a cig, i get foreigner tourists asking me "where is denny's?" and "where is bus stop?" (both in plain sight of where we're standing when they ask.) but my work is very much NOT tourism related.
-even the ceo knows i'm poly, not quite vanilla, strange, and plan to run off with my boss and start a fashion company with her after she has a baby.
-they're 420/other friendly, as long as you do it after your shit's done. and while i'm not a stoner, it's nice to know they're relaxed about me taking a hit every now and again.
-it's busy, so i'm not sitting at a desk getting all drowsy and lethargic all day. i actually do stuff!
-they have an apartment in l.a., 6 blocks from the beach, that i can stay at when i go visit as long as no one else has booked it for that day already.
-they met A already and they really like him.
-the office demographic is very mixed (meaning different races, cultures, genders, sexual orientations, alladat...)
-they buy us lunch every friday.
-i will work a half day on weekends i think around a dozen or so times a year. my first of these is tomorrow.
-a coworker is an old acquaintance of A's. small world.
-the only sucky thing is the girl i'm replacing ROCKS and she's moving to scotland in 4 days.
-they make excellent coffee at the office.
-they have a full kitchen, so i can buy groceries at trader joe's down the street and eat all week on less money and energy and time than otherwise.
-the company is doing well and expanding every year so i don't have to freak out about yet another job lost because they went bankrupt. (2 under my belt so far...sheesh...)

and now i will open up the floor for questions...

cover letter

so the ad was quirky, told us to tell them about our last road trip, that they like fun and irreverant people...

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello, my name is Zoë and I am sending my resume for the Logistics Coordinator position available at your company. I'm great. All that good stuff. But you don't want to know how I had 4 different bosses promote me after only a couple of months on the job, or how I've never been fired for performance reasons. You want to know about the last road trip I went on.

What kind of road trip are we talking about here? Because me and Shirley (that's my Honda) love going places. We did the move from L.A. to San Francisco by ourselves about 5 months ago—we don't need no sissy U-Haul.

When I lived in L.A., I had this habit of driving to Las Vegas on the weekends whenever the mood struck me—especially because I have some friends out there. My favorite thing to do in Vegas is to watch my tiny Korean girlfriend make off with all the poolsharks' money at the dive bars. Don't ever underestimate chicks with too much lipgloss on. That's all I'm saying. But it doesn't really matter where I go—I'm fabulous company, if I do say so myself, especially when I'm the one driving.

Focus, Zoe, focus. Last road trip...well, there was the one time I was meandering (okay, so I was going a little too fast to call it "meandering") on the I-5 and a cop pulled me over. He actually pulled a gun on me! I'm just a cute young Asian chick in a Honda! Why would he need to pull his gun on me? If you desperately need to know the rest of this story, call me. I give great phone. Oh, and we can talk about the job too, if you like.

Sincerely,
....